My Grown-up Christmas List

Dearest Santa Claus,

The season of bright lights, fragrant pines, and yuletide (whatever the hell that means) is upon us. Yet, this year, it seems that Christmas cheer is not impervious to the bloody talons of the economic downturn. The lights have been dimmed, the pines are no longer fragrant, and the yuletide is receding (it's an ocean thing, right?). And we, the American people, have a right to know what the hell you are going to do about it. 

Now, don't you fret, Mr. Claus. I am not the aggressor. I simply wish to warn you of the impending carnage that will envelope the globe should you fail us this Christmas. With that in mind, I have some ideas that may be of interest to you. 

1.) Asimos for every man, woman, and child in America. We all deserve a subservient population of android underlings and you are just the man to make it so. If you do this, Christmas merriment will be shooting out of our assholes.

2.) Rebranding. I'm talking a drastic image overhaul. iPods are flying off the shelves, people are reading Hawthorne on their Blackberries, and everything worth owning looks thinner than Calista Flockhart. We need to streamline, your saintliness. We're going to lose the reindeer. From now on, we're going hands free. The Pentagon's been looking to test some prototype drones, and a massive, internationally directed cargo drop operation might be just the thing to catch someone's ear at the D.O.D. Failing that, we'll modernize by installing a sleek, modern navigation system. We'll work out a prelim deal with Garmin. See how much mileage we can get out of some ad space on the sleigh. Also, we're ditching the suit, boss. The expensive fur and gaudy colors are turning off your middle class demographic. Starting today, we're upgrading to a NASCAR-style jumpsuit (ad space).


3.) Overthrow a regime/dictator.


4.) Viral video. Successful formulae for people of the obese persuasion: lightsaber practice, eastern European lip-synching, singing glorious renditions of Andrew Lloyd Weber/Pavarotti selections, etc. Bonus points if you can somehow add a hamster on a rocket car.


5.) MMORPG. Santa Claus could use his own MMORPG.


6.) Capture Osama bin Laden. Could score us some points with the D.O.D.


7.) Reality show. With the Gosselins out of the picture, the American public is yearning for a serialized version of real life on which to feast like desperate hyenas. 


Mr. Claus, my only Christmas wish is that you read this letter and find salvation in my strategic prowess. 


With Holiday Love and Cheer,


Michael