Wowzers!

Now, I'm not the most spiritual person in the world. On a scale of one to ten on the Christianiometer (one being a slab of ham and ten being that crazy bitch from Jesus Camp), I'm probably just below an uncolonized tribesman. Nonetheless, I would like to share a bible passage I stumbled across this morning.
It's profound resonance is only outmatched by its sheer, earth-shattering insanity.

1 Kings 20:35-36 (King James Version)

35 And a certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him.
36 Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him.

Let's parse this passage together, shall we? I shall attempt to translate this excerpt into our contemporary lingo:

Somewhere in the Old Testament (The British One)
35 And then some random fortune-teller's kid told his neighbor to stab him in the face because God said so. And the man was all like, "WTF, no."
36 So then the kid was like, "You should have rammed this knife into my brain. Now God's gonna sick a lion on you. And the guy was like, "A lion?" And the kid looked him square in the face and said, "Yeah. A lion." The kid left after a moment of awkward silence. Sure enough, a lion totally fuckin' destroyed his neighbor. True story.

There are three morals to be taken from this outstanding excerpt. One, don't ever answer your door. I understand it's Girl Scout Cookie season, but a Samoa is not worth the risk of having your face nommed by a seven-hundred pound jungle cat. Two, God has the power to summon animals at will. He's like the Beastmaster. Only he kills people with ravenous creatures for no apparent reason. Three...I thought I would have one more by the time I got to three. But I don't. Goodnight.