An Argument Against Reproduction

Let's talk about spawning. We can all safely declare that being obsessively fanatical about any one thing is no bueno. It makes people carry out all sorts of crazy shenanigans. Like burning witches. Or blowing themselves up. And if there is one thing that makes a human being more insane with emotion than the ever-looming specter of Cloud-man, it's an itty-bitty baby. These bundles of chub seriously make people all kinds of batshit. No. That harmless flying mammal doesn't do justice to the magnitude of crazy people under the influence of baby really are. It's more like pterodactylshit. Dragonshit, even.

It seems like there are babies everywhere these days. I can't scroll through more than two Facebook feeds without being bombarded by Jane Whatsit's 463 new baby photos or Jill Whosit's incessant updates about her prodigy's first solid crap. The proof of the crazy is truly in the pictures, as they say. The majority of them end up looking like they were shot from the inside of a dishwasher. And those that do have any semblance of clarity are just the same damn picture again and again. "Oh, look! His lip is kind of curling, I think. Take a picture! LOOK AT WHAT HE'S DOING WITH HIS HANDS!!!! ARE YOU SEEING THIS SHIT? IT'S FUCKING SPIRITUAL!!" And they never, ever stop. 

Think I'm exaggerating? Let's see what happens when I google "baby photos". What do we find? About 617,000,000 results (0.27 seconds). That may not seem all that bizarre. Until I compare that to the number of results for other popular searches. Here's a few:

Barack Obama: About 69,700,000 results (0.18 seconds)

Osama bin Laden: About 8,170,000 results (0.20 seconds)

Porn: About 288,000,000 results (0.17 seconds) 

Jesus: About 208,000,000 results (0.17 seconds)

Twilight: About 119,000,000 results (0.17 seconds)

Penis Enlargement: About 4,060,000 results (0.18 seconds) 

Miley Cyrus: About 51,700,000 results (0.15 seconds) 

Beer: About 135,000,000 results (0.20 seconds) 

Football: About 334,000,000 results (0.20 seconds)

Shoes: About 361,000,000 results (0.17 seconds)

First of all, let us simply disregard the fact that shoes are more culturally relevant than the first black president of the United States. Or the world's most notorious terrorist. Or even Porn. PUT TOGETHER.      Let us simply explore the topic at hand. As our trusty search engine proves, people are infected with infantitis. I guess we can blame evolution for our ravenous obsession with the baby menace. After all, a species cannot endure without bearing placenta-covered fruit. If we didn't love our babies like we love our shoes, we would simply die out. 

But now, things are different. There are seven billion of us, with that number climbing faster than a sherpa on coke. Aside from our staggering population density, we are also highly proficient self-regulators. We no longer have to desperately launch babies out of our cooches in order to ensure the survival of our species. We, unlike the majority of our animal brethren (and sistren), enjoy the many spoils of forethought, anatomical knowledge, and self-awareness. What does this mean? Well, for one, it means we know that blasting a dook in a sanitary receptacle is more beneficial to our health than simply letting it spill out of our collective anus. We know what kills/hurts/impairs us. And it really isn't all that complicated. 

People are generally shocked by my reluctance to have children. When I tell them I would rather shove scalding coals into my nostrils than bring a child into this world, they always respond the same way. "What? Why don't you want kids?" they ask, as if addressing some kind of mindless wretch. I simply have to ask in return, "Why do you want kids?" The majority of people don't even consider the reasons why not (and they are many). While trying to find out the average cost of raising a child from age 0-18 (about $217,000, not including college tuition, princess's wedding, and other traditional costs), I decided it would be interesting to read through the comments section of one referential site. Let's listen in!

Mrs. Robinson says: "My boyfriend really wants to have a baby and I wouldn't mind giving him one. The only problem is that there are so many things to think about."

Patrice says: "I really want to have a baby next year when I'll be 20 but I'm, of course, very scared about expenses because I'm also financing my college, rent, etc. I feel that I can do it and I want to be a mother so bad!!!!!"

Unknown! says: "The cost of a baby should NOT matter... having the love for your baby is PRICELESS!!!!"

All profoundly valid reasons for the continuation of our species. Donating a baby to your man. Experiencing primal, thought-free affection. And doing it just because you want it soooooo BAADDDD!!!!!! Truly the peak of evolution.

As harsh as it sounds, there's really nothing special about having a child. It's just a biologically common process of gestation. Similar in almost every way to that of our noble cousin pictured above. I'm not anti-baby, by any means. I have an adorable nephew with two loving parents who, astonishingly, know better than to publish the intimate details of his every diapy change or upchuck. They keep it simple. Keep him safe. Keep him healthy. Keep him happy. Three essential ingredients for a blossoming human. It doesn't need to be a triumphant struggle of mythic proportions for the entire world to behold, because it isn't. The world keeps spinning with or without little Junior stomping around on it. Babies come by the billions. They're practically currency. They're cute. But they're not magic. 

I'm not asking for an end to all baby-making, either. We do have to continue on somehow. But slow it down, people. I know the the major religions instruct us to treat the female sex like human pez dispensers, but maybe that isn't the smartest idea in the world. The world isn't big enough for seven billion more. Hell, it might not be big enough for seven more. All I'm saying is that the human species is only as strong its greatest minds, so maybe its time for the people without one to graciously step aside. For the children!