I decided that I could not resist an extended thought process debating the benefits of nut butter. Nut butter is as delicious to say as it is to put in my mouth. Growing up, the one staple I could count on in my many meals was peanut butter. Ranging from the classic P.B. & J. to the sugared bliss of peanut butter and marshmallow that provided my young body enough fuel to win the local 5K. However, as I have matured, the number of nuts I have experienced has grown significantly, to say the least.
The most popular challenge when choosing your favorite nut to butter is Peanut vs. Almond. Although at times not readily apparent, each side has strengths as well as weaknesses which I will discuss in somewhat short order.
Regarding peanuts, when an individual decides to pick up that tub
o’ nut they are expressing deep-rooted issues that personally reflect on them. At their most basic level, Peanut enthusiasts are pro-affirmative action. This stems from their belief in the myth that the first man to invent a modern “nut butter paste” was George Washington Carver, of agricultural and historical renown. In 1884 the first gentleman to patent the milling of peanuts was Macellus Gilmore Edson, a goddamn Canadian, and there is little evidence that he may have stolen the idea from an inventor of color. While supporting minorities is all well and good, sandwich spreads are the wrong front to fight this war, instead, it is best left to the streets and corporate America.That being said, peanut pickers also broadcast to the world that they are inherently liars and hypocrites. Peanuts as we all know are not actually nuts. They are imposters, fakes, phonies. The marriage of your sandwich has been cuckolded by a fucking legume. That’s right, peanuts have more in common with your side of refried beans than the realm of cashews, filberts and pecans. Maintaining the facade of the “Average Joe” or “Red-blooded American” starts off small with those Caucasian lies and builds to those cavernous African American (although still American) holes of deceit. No where has it been said that you can’t be a racist AS WELL AS pro-affirmative action. Assumption would decree that this can’t be possible, but we live in a world where people effectively do what they want without penalty or accountability.
The overarching theme collides here. Although peanut-eers want minorities to get jobs they don’t want and lie about it through the whole process, they are sticklers for tradition. Mashed nuts hang pendulously in the sack of history for their ubiquity in cooking and nutrient denseness traipsing from Canada to the United States. It’s hard to get that convenience out of your esophagus. No other food-borne confection embodies that rich and velvety spread of dishonesty and intolerance as well as our dear friend, the peanut.
To those hipsters who are now foaming at the mouth because they so zealously support my anti-peanut rhetoric… you are next.
Leading in with the most prominent aspect of alternative nut butters would have to be their blaringly obvious underground popularity. Kids these days are ‘Gluten-Intolerant’ this and ‘Preservative-Free’ that, that so much of the product placement world surrounding them includes some relatively obvious options. If life limits your pathetic ability to express yourself so that you have to militantly do so by way of food, fine, be my fucking guest. However, just because you use a
DIFFERENT nut to perform the same basic function, shielding one half of your agave rife sammy from the other, you can’t think that you are better than anyone. You fool NO ONE. Your designer dreadlock extensions are only as genuine as the guilt-free alpaca hair from which they were crafted. I say if you want to go against the legume either go all fucking in (Pistachio nut butter) or just stick it to the man with a jungle peanut. Don’t ride that line and think that you are too cool for school and therefore ‘dangerous’. You are only dangerous if you are able to inflict, at will, nut allergies on an unsuspecting target.Conversely, this badass, genderless-but-universally-empowered-regardless-of-race, -creed, –or-economic-earning-power individual identity refutes one of the larger claims almond heads champion: Healthfullishness (intentionally sounds like health foolishness). It’s got essential fatty acids. So what? It has higher Vitamin E and Magnesium. Who cares? This mofo is chalk full of monounsaturated fats which wipe the floor with saturated fats. We’re still talking about this because (ellipsis)? BIG DEAL! If a majority of people were into what was good for them they would put down the peanut butter covered knife, walk away from exercise and stop treating other people as they wished to be treated. This mindset is OLD and if you want to be hip, it ain’t hip to be old.*
Lastly, almond butter reflects on its users highly cultivated style. Peanut butter is almost universally left with one trouble: Creamy or Chunky? Almond butter shits all over this by offering a multiplicity of choices, and we all know people love to choose. Shell casings or not? Blanched? Most importantly, roasted or raw? By '”roasted” what we really ask is, “Would you like us to keep your almonds in a hermetically sealed room while teenagers smoke copious amounts of marijuana to give you that buzz without the fear that cops are about to break down your door and ruin a perfectly good Scooby Snack?” When an average person is put to the test and forced at gun point to think of almond butter, the image that naturally pops into their head is that of a Bob Marley shirted skateboarder that will only bathe in gutter water.
*Note, the only people who are hip to be old are the Golden Girls, Angela Lansbury and Patrick Stewart. They are all officially fuggin’ gangstazzzzz in my book.
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