That's Coco-Nuts! (What's With the Nut Theme?)

They're everywhere!!!!

There's a statistic that people like to throw around whenever they're wedged in the middle of a shark attack conversation (You all know you've been there). Usually, from somewhere on the far side of the room, a crackly voice will creep through the deafening shriek of so many Shark Week-crazy young adults to share this fascinating factoid: "Actually, more people die each year from the impact of falling coconuts than from shark bites." It's just one of those things we heard somewhere, long, long ago when we were still easy prey to groundless, free-floating statistics and conversationally cited 'facts' without any shred of evidence. Oh, wait...

Well, the thing about falling coconuts is, while they certainly can do considerable damage to your oh-so fragile brain basket with their potent wallop of 1,000 kilograms (2,200 pounds) of collision force, there have been decidedly few recorded skull crushings in the last few decades. Interestingly enough, we can trace all this hullabaloo about homicidal husked fruit back to (Surprise!) an unfortunately misquoted scientific research paper. In the early 1980's, a doctoral grad student named Peter Barss spent a considerable amount of time researching and documenting instances of bodily trauma in the highlands of Papua New Guinea. Why? Because, friends, scientists can do whatever the fuck they want. Case in point, in 1984, Barss published an innocent paper in the Journal of Trauma with the ridiculously terrific title, "Injuries Due to Falling Coconuts". Barss and his colleagues found that:

"Falling coconuts can cause injury to the head, back, and shoulders. A 4-year review of trauma admissions to the Provincial Hospital, Alotau, Milne Bay Province, Papua New Guinea, revealed that 2.5% of such admissions were due to being struck by falling coconuts. Since mature coconut palms may have a height of 24 up to 35 meters and an unhusked coconut may weigh 1 to 4 kg, blows to the head of a force exceeding 1 metric ton are possible. Four patients with head injuries due to falling coconuts are described. Two required craniotomy. Two others died instantly in the village after being struck by dropping nuts."

Maybe it's just me, but two deaths over the course of a 4-year period hardly seems like a body count worthy of stacking up to those black-eyed demons of the sea. "But wait!", some of you might protest. "Don't they have palm trees in places other than Papua New Guinea? Surely, some oblivious tourist has been knocked into the great unknown by a Hawaiian coconut. Or an Indian coconut." 


Wrong again, however. In a more recent and comprehensive study, scientists studying injury patterns in the Solomon Islands found further proof of the coconut's true innocence. In a paper titled, "Coconut Palm-Related Injuries in the Pacific," Jonathan Mulford, an Australian orthopedic surgeon, found that, over a five-year research period, 

"3.4% of all injuries [presented] to the surgical department [were] related to the coconut palm. Eighty-five patients fell from the coconut palm, 16 patients had a coconut fruit fall on them, three patients had a coconut palm fall on them and one patient kicked a coconut palm." 

In this case, there were no reported deaths. Several cases of staggering idiocy, for sure. And, for whatever reason, some dude decided it would be a good idea to bash his leg full throttle into the unforgiving trunk of a tropical fruit tree. But, other than that, the botanical symbol of Earth's sweaty nether-regions seems fairly harmless. 


So where did the bad rap come from? Who decided it would be a good idea to instill fear in the hearts of God-fearing, civilized folk just looking for a pleasant buffet experience on the culturally hollow shores of Sandals? Like so many instances of misinformation and fear-mongering, it can all be traced back to those wacky folks in the insurance business. Seems that a British travel insurance firm by the name of Club Direct decided to release a press statement explaining the serious concerns mounting around the issue of coconut death in Australia. Using Dr. Barss's paper on Papua New Guinea's plague of insatiable coconut bloodlust, the insurance agency claimed that, "Coconuts kill around 150 people each year, which makes them about ten times more dangerous than sharks." 


And thus began a reign of terror which our species has struggled against for nigh on two decades. A battle to wrestle the very soul of our being from the ravenous jaws of the coconut menace. Jaws ten times more powerful than anything this lame joke of a killer could even hope to wield:

Nature's greatest failure. Sad, really. 

Yet, these poor fruits have been nothing more than the victims of ill-informed bigotry. Horticultural discrimination. In truth, they are peaceful creatures. They don't want to hurt anybody. They just want to chill out in the canopy until it's time for them to drop their load. If they happen to land on the unfortunate cranium of a passerby, don't construe it as an act of malice. It's not like the coconut tree is going around intentionally kicking humans in the torso with bone-shattering fury. In the meantime, try to erase the image of the evil, violent coconut by seeing them for what they truly are: fuzzy little balls filled with copious amounts of viscous white fluid that can be sucked out through a small, central opening. Uh...